I often lightheartedly refer to my clients tendency to should themselves as a bad case of shoulditis. Karen Horney called it “The tyranny of the shoulds”. It refers to the pressure we feel to live up to an idealized version of ourselves, often drawn from what we think others expect from us. The “shoulds” are like little commands running through our narrative, telling us what to do or how to behave.

Shoulding fixates our attention on what we aren’t enough of, what we haven’t accomplished or what we don’t have. It comes with an implied promise that everything will be ok when we have or have done that thing we are shoulding ourselves with. But the relentlessness of the next should essentially robs us of feeling proud or grateful.

Regardless of any good ideas embedded in the should, and in how the frequency of its use creates the illusion of harmlessness – the pressure lights up networks in the brain that are associated with fear and vigilance. The cumulative assault of unrealistic expectation results in anxiety, self-doubt, feelings of inadequacy, shame, anger and chronic pain.

Having goals, even big ones are important for growth. They only become problematic when they are unrealistic. Expecting ourselves to grow quickly or according to some timeline will almost always come back to haunt us.

Here are some suggestions to help you reduce the use and impact of should in your life:
1) Get to know your strengths & values. What are you good at? What brings you joy? What is important to you?
Being clear about who you are will help you resist pressures to be anything more or different.
2) Consider any advice you receive through the lens of who you are. Let it go if it does not align with you.
3) Create explicit boundaries for people who pressure you. This can be difficult if your path is unconventional,
but it will get easier with practice.
4) Once you have decided that a should is aligned with who you are, replace “should” with “I want”.
5) Take time to savour and appreciate who you are and what you have to cultivate pride and gratitude.

If you have a bad case of shoulditis and need support to implement any of these suggestions, our therapists are accepting new clients. You can reach us on the contact page of our website www.wellnessinmind.ca , by phone 514 223 5327 or by email info@wellnessinmind.ca.
Wishing you wellness!