The holidays can be a very difficult time of the year for people who will be spending more time with those relatives who have been a source of heartache for them rather than joy. While the media anticipates a season of peace and joy, many people actually dread the holidays. Whether your father says mean things, your mother drinks too much or your brother-in-law constantly complains, it is much safer to accept that these family members are likely to do what they always do – and it is best to prepare for that.

Here are some suggestions to get through the holidays with less angst:

Keep it simple
Try and spend more time with people that are easy to be with and less time with those who are difficult. With difficult family members keep the conversation simple. Refrain from starting a debate and resist getting drawn into their drama. If you are having a hard time keeping your cool, just excuse yourself from the conversation and do not come back.

Create structure
Dysfunction has the space to arise only if we allow for that space. See if you can structure the time with difficult family members by planning an activity such as a game or a family movie. This way the interactions will have a focus and it may even be positive or fun.

Identify your triggers
Think about what typically sets you off when you spend time with difficult family members. If you can identify these triggers ahead of time, you will less likely be caught off guard and react impulsively to them. You can also prepare yourself to breathe deeply at these moments to remain as grounded as possible.

Cope ahead
Take some time to plan how you would like to be with your dysfunctional family members. You might decide that you would like to carry yourself with grace and dignity for example. Think about the body postures, facial expressions and even the words that exude the qualities you would like to have. Then rehearse these in your mind as though you are the hero or heroine in a movie. Imaginal practice will make it easier for you to access these attributes in the moment of challenge

Create boundaries
Remind yourself that how people act and behave is a reflection of who they are and has nothing to do with you. Even though it can be tough, try not to personalize hurtful comments or behaviors. You can also set limits about how long you will stay or arrange to “leave yourself an out” by having access to a car or going for a walk when needed.

Create joy
See if you can create your own special moments of peace and joy. Decide what make might make the holidays special for you and experiment with these different ideas to develop your own holiday traditions that you might look forward to for years to come

From all of us at Westmount Psychological Services, we wish you peace this holiday season.

Written by: Shawna Atkins, Ph.D., OPQ.