There is a popular misconception that with aging comes the end of sex. Somehow, we equate reaching a certain age (some say as early 50, others as late as 70) as a death sentence for sexuality. Apparently, there is a cutoff point at which we cease being sexual beings. Some people fall prey to society’s views and dismiss sex; that was something they engaged in during their younger years and it is no longer a part of their present. Others feel weird that they still have interest in something that has become taboo and is not talked about. Yet others find themselves in a relationship where sex has become a dividing factor; one wants to continue having sexual intimacy as part of the couple while the other has shelved it. I want to let you in on a secret: sex does not have to stop at a certain age, rather the way you have sex changes.

Bodies change with age, affecting what happens in the bedroom. For women, there is a decline in vaginal lubrication, which can make sex uncomfortable. The vaginal lining thins, adding to discomfort. Lubrication can help, but not necessarily. For men, it takes longer to get aroused, and there is a need for more direct touching (i.e., they cannot rely on fantasizing alone). Erections become less firm and slower to rise. Even if erections are not an issue, older men often find that minor distractions result in a loss of rigidity. For both men and women, medical conditions begin to either limit sexual activity or medications used to treat them bring negative side effects that affect sex.

If we assume that good sex necessities natural lubrication, firm lasting erections, and perfect health, we can see why the assumption that aging and sex do not mix exists. That is, if we assume that sex means penis-vagina penetration. Here is the thing: you can have deeply satisfying sex without the “in-and-out”. You can move away from penetrative intercourse to sex that involves kissing, hands, mouths, cuddling, sex toys, and whole body massage.

Retiring from being sexual partners decreases intimacy and disregards a basic human need for touch. Using your hands, your mouth, and sex toys allows you to continue to reap the many benefits of sex, including orgasm. The results of aging can actually enhance sexual experiences. Typical gender conflicts now reverse and become a source of synchronicity. For example, women tend to value emotional closeness while men highly value sexual closeness. With age, women continue to appreciate emotional intimacy but they also put importance on sexual intimacy. They care about sex; frequency, duration, and orgasm. At the same time, men seem to increase their regard for emotional closeness. Women who tend to enjoy extended foreplay now find that men are more willing to slow down and engage. Given that men now benefit more from direct touch, they learn to welcome the foreplay that their partner has always enjoyed. “Outercourse” (whole body massage) can become flirty, playful, and deeply sexually satisfying. Lovemaking moves from erections and penetration to a wider whole body experience.

Change is challenging for most people, including changes in how to have sex. However, older couples can choose to help each other transition from what used to work sexually to something new and possibly even more enjoyable. They might discover a deeper connection that is rich in eroticism, bringing them closer and feeling more in love. The choice is yours: you can decide that sex is over, or you can choose to accommodate and continue to enjoy lovemaking. You might be surprised to find out that “old age sex” is fantastic, maybe even the best sex of your life.

We hope that these ideas help you to adjust to the sexual changes that come along with aging. If you or someone you know needs assistance with the transition, we would be pleased to help. You can reach us at 514-223-5327.

Written by: Dr. Andrea Guschlbauer, Ph.D., OPQ.