Some of you may have read our previous blog about mindfulness. A leading expert in the field has described mindfulness as, “Paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment and nonjudgmentally.” Now you might ask what does mindfulness have to do with sex? Well it turns out that the manner in which we experience sexual activity is of great importance. We can think of experiencing as being on auto-pilot or being fully present and aware of all of our senses. You might notice that you have fallen into a usual course of events when it comes to sex especially if you have had the same partner(s) for a long time. Your sexual menu may always feature the same setting, atmosphere, positions, etc. You know what works and what does not. However, as we become more and more used to something, even when it comes to sex, we can become desensitized and even get less pleasure out of the tried-and-true. Even if the usual sexual routine still brings you pleasure, there is the potential for pleasure to be enhanced if you move from auto-pilot to mindfully bringing your attention back to the experience.

If you’re still wondering, “What exactly is this thing called mindfulness” you might try the Raisin exercise. To eat a raisin mindfully hold it in your hand and experience it from all angles – smell it, experience bringing it to your mouth mindfully so that you might notice movements in your arms, hand, fingers; bring awareness to the feel of the raisin touching your lips, saliva arising in your mouth, the texture as you swirl it around and then chew the raisin; the taste as you bite down and even following the sensation of the raisin going down your throat into your stomach. While eating the raisin mindfully, thoughts may pop into your head like “This is silly”, and we suggest you let the thought pass by without judging it. A common reaction to the raisin exercise is to note how differently that felt; you experienced eating the raisin in a much more engaged way. Researchers have documented a multitude of benefits of practicing mindfulness, which include: reduced rumination, stress reduction, boosts in memory, focus, less emotional reactivity, more cognitive flexibility, relationship satisfaction and many more. Practicing mindfulness allows us to cope with life pressures in a calm manner, which has the potential to increase our overall well-being.

Mindfulness lends itself well to sexual activity; rather than going into auto-pilot you mindfully tune in to all your senses just as you did during the raisin exercise. Mindfulness can also help shift you from the spectator role during sex. Imagine a sexual encounter where you are thinking about pulling in your stomach and avoiding unflattering angles or where you are consumed with whether your performance is satisfactory to your partner. In these scenarios, you are preoccupied with watching/monitoring yourself. Your focus is on you and not your partner or the experience. Essentially, you are watching yourself have sex while at the same time playing an internal tape critically analyzing yourself. Does not sound very sexy, does it? When we are in an anxious state of mind we tense up and constrict our blood vessels. Blood flow is reduced and redirected to our outer limbs. There is less blood flowing to the genital area, which is necessary for men to get an erection and women to experience sensation in their clitoris. Anxious self-focus then decreases the likelihood of having an orgasm.

You might be starting to see the problem with focusing too much on ourselves and bringing anxiety into the bedroom. Incorporating mindfulness into sex can help to reduce these common problems. Being mindful means giving your complete attention to the experience at hand; being fully present in the moment. Recall going on a wild fair ride as a child; you were fully immersed in the experience, fully present and in the moment. If you had negative or anxious thoughts they were quickly put aside to re-engage in the ride. You want that same stance in your sexual encounters. Show up and tune in; bring awareness to your body and senses, be present in your mind and attune toward your partner. Mindful sex entails being present and able to describe what is happening without judging any part of the experience as good or bad. Here are a few key pointers for having sex mindfully:

• Start by practicing mindfulness on a daily basis. Choose an activity that is already part of your daily routine (e.g., making coffee, walking, washing dishes, taking a shower). For 2-3 minutes fully tune in to the activity – to what you see, hear, smell, touch and taste). The more you practice and incorporate mindfulness into your lifestyle, the easier it will be to call up this mindful state during sex.

• Breathe. Not just taking in and expelling air but deep, conscious inhales and exhales. Really fill your lungs and diaphragm with life-giving air and exhale stress. The better you are breathing the more energy you are giving to your sexual regions.

• Remain present. Tune in to what is happening both within yourself and your partner(s), as well as the connection between you. Fully pay attention to the experience. Take care to minimize distractions (e.g., TV, kids, phone). Focus on your senses. Remember the raisin exercise! Pay attention to the sexual encounter the same way you paid attention to the raisin.

• Take a stance of acceptance and nonjudgement. Leave negative feelings and expectations at the door. If negative thoughts enter your mind allow them to float by without focusing on them or judging. You cannot focus on negative thoughts and be fully engaged sexually at the same time. Choose to enjoy what you are feeling, enjoy your partner, enjoy the entire encounter!

Remember that mind-wandering is natural and can strike us even while having sex. No need to be too hard on yourself; but rather gently bring yourself back to mindfully experiencing the sex at hand.  The key to better sex is to really be there when you are having it. If you make the commitment to practice mindfulness slowly throughout your day and then more specifically in the bedroom, you are fairly certain to reap the rewards. You will have an enhanced ability to experience all of your bodily sensations; you will notice improvements in expressing your feelings through your body and at noticing the same in your partner(s); you will get better at tuning in to your partner and thus be a better lover (your partner can in turn also be more tuned in); and finally, each of you has a renewed potential to have an orgasm.

Try incorporating mindfulness into your daily life and more specifically your sex life, if you need support call us to consult with one of our therapists at (514) 223-5327.

Written by: Andrea Guschlbauer, Ph.D., OPQ.