Relationships come in all forms – heterosexual, lesbian, gay and bisexual to name a few. No matter whom we love we tend to want the same things in our relationships. For example, research has shown that we want to experience psychological well-being, good communication, similar values, and support. On the other hand power imbalance, lack of intimacy and arguing can leave us feeling unsatisfied with our relationships.

Although we’ are more similar than different those in same-sex relationships experience a major difference from peers in heterosexual relationships; the stress that comes along with being a sexual minority. Heterosexual people live in a world where their love is accepted more or less unconditionally. Lesbian, gay and bisexual (LGB) people often don’t have the privilege of experiencing a simple act like holding hands with their same-sex partner(s) without first assessing the risk and potentially experiencing negative consequences. Same-sex couples face a reality that often includes experiences of discrimination, anticipating rejection, hiding and concealing their sexual orientation and internalizing society’s negatives views (this is known as sexual minority stress).

Research shows that stress has extensive negative effects on both mental and physical health as well as relationship functioning. We can imagine for example that chronic stress might leave us feeling irritated and lead to arguing with our partner(s). Over time we might feel less and less satisfied with our relationship(s). All couples experience stress but same-sex couples experience the unique stress of living as a sexual minority. This stress is added to the everyday stress that heterosexual couples face. Imagine the same scenario of having a stressful day, feeling irritated and fighting with your partner but add to it that on your way home from work a passerby yelled a homophobic slur at you.

Given that LGB people face a double dose of potential stress (or potentially more if they have other marginalized and intersecting identities) their relationships can be particularly vulnerable. How can one deal with living in a world that discriminates against one’s love? A major source of coping with stress in same-sex couples is emotional intimacy.

What is emotional intimacy? It’s a sense of closeness to our partner(s); being able to share our feelings and feeling cared for and understood. Emotional intimacy boosts our psychological and physical well-being and reduces the impact of stress. So coping strategies focused on emotional intimacy are of particular importance for same-sex couples. The idea is to increase connection and emotional engagement between partners.

Here are some ways to enhance closeness in relationships:
1. Schedule uninterrupted time for conversation. Take the time to check in with each other and on the relationship; share and listen.
2. Find time to be alone together. Too often we go long stretches without alone time; make quality couple time happen.
3. Make time for physical and sexual intimacy. Cuddle, hug, hold hands, kiss, have sex.
4. Have fun together. Let loose together; laugh, play, be silly.
5. Get involved in each other’s interests. Share in each other’s passions and activities.

Living in a world that oftentimes discriminates can be very difficult. One way to combat the negative effects of sexual minority stress is to focus on closeness in your relationship(s); turn toward each other and strengthen your emotional connection(s).

To learn more about how to cope with stress and boost emotional intimacy in your relationship(s) call us to consult with one of our therapists at (514) 223-5327.

*Please note: Lesbian, gay, and bisexual couples may wish to see a therapist who is well informed of sexual minority issues. Here at Westmount Psychological Services we are pleased to offer counseling by therapists who are competent to work with the special needs of LGBT populations.

Disclaimer: We recognize the importance of language-use in LGBT2SQIA communities. We acknowledge that the terms same-sex, lesbian, gay, bisexual are not inclusive of all gender identities, sexual orientations or types of relationships. The outlined ways to enhance closeness in relationships can apply to a wider range of human experience. Members of our team would be pleased to discuss further and explore the unique ways that stress and intimacy fit into your relationship.

Written by: Dr. Andrea Guschlbauer, Ph.D., OPQ