Anger is a natural, normal, and healthy emotion that all humans experience. The problems arise in how it is expressed. Anger, like all emotions, provides us with valuable information. When we are in tune with our anger it can inform us about how we need to proceed in the situations from which it is arising. For example, do I need set limits in similar circumstances in the future? Do I need to behave differently? Do I need to learn to better manage my anger so that I can act more appropriately?

Take a moment to reflect on how anger plays a role in your life. How is it expressed in your relationships? Has it ever caused problems in your workplace or school? Have you ever had any health concerns that were directly linked to anger (ulcers, blood pressure, heart problems for example)?

A good first step is to recognize and be mindful of your own symptoms of anger. Every person is different so some of these may not apply to you or you may notice something that is not on this list. A little self-awareness can go a long way. Symptoms of anger tend to fall into three categories: behavioural, emotional, and physical. Here are some examples of each.

Behavioural: screaming, substance use, withdrawing, crying, changes in tone

Emotional: feeling anxious, feeling depressed, feeling guilty, a desire to avoid

Physical: stomach pains, clenched jaw, grinding teeth, headache, blushing

Three Response Styles

People tend to do one of three things when angry: escalate, stuff, or manage. Escalating refers to times when you cannot control your anger and it leads to displays of aggression, yelling, and blaming others. A stuffing response is when one attempts to deny their own anger or turn it inward. This often occurs when people are concerned with social context or expectations. Managing anger is the most healthy and productive response. Having open, honest, and calm conversations about conflicts is the way to go. Here are some ideas to help you get there.

Communication Techniques

• Do not bring up past conflicts that are not relevant simply to hurt the other person or “gain advantage”.
• Avoid viewing the conversation as a competition with winners and losers.
• Collaborate and compromise.
• Use “I” statements expressing how you feel as opposed to blaming.
• Take breaks from the conversation before it escalates.

General Techniques

• Practice relaxation techniques such as deep-breathing, meditation, and progressive muscle relaxation – these will help you to escalate less.
• Write down your feelings so that you can review and reflect upon them in a safe and productive manner – then you can express them more clearly.
• Practice acceptance when situations are outside of your control.
• Practice responding with a friend and discuss how to improve (role-play).
• Use potential excess energy for positive reasons (exercise, cleaning, gardening, etc.).

Misconceptions

A very common misconception is that it may be a good idea express anger in a different context for cathartic reasons (e.g. hitting a pillow). The problem with this is that your brain tends to make the association that hitting is a good idea when angry and reinforces the action across contexts. This means that in the future the target may no longer be a pillow.

Another concern about playing out anger in other contexts is that it can lead to a concept called displacement in which one habituates to the idea of taking out their frustrations on others in different “safer contexts”. For example, an employee knows that they cannot yell at their boss for fear of losing their job but they can bring that anger home and take it out on a partner without any workplace repercussions.

A final misconception is that people are more truthful when angry or that statements made when angry are the truth. This is absolutely false. More often than not, statements made in anger are either attempts to hurt the other individual or to gain an imaginary advantage.

If you or someone you know need support in working on anger management, please consult with one of our professionals at (514) 223 5327.

Written by: Robin Jolivet M.A.