Many people find themselves questioning their relationship and wondering if it is time to call it quits in hopes of a more fulfilling future. Maybe your relationship has not fully failed, but it flounders in the realm of “not great”. Clients often ask me, “Should I stay or should I go?” Deciding whether to leave a relationship is a deeply personal choice. Ultimately only you can decide what to do, but counselling can be a place to sort out this profound decision.

The truth is, many relationships should end. Sometimes even “good people” simply cannot resolve their relationship issues no matter how much and for how long they try. If you have tried your best and the relationship is still not working, you need not blame yourself; rather you might use what you have learned to better future relationships.

On the flip side, some relationships can be repaired. If you are both willing to do all you can; to look deeply at why things went wrong and you are willing to invest the effort, then there is hope.

You can stay, you can go… or as a third alternative: you can remain on the fence. This is the least helpful option. When you are stuck in limbo and ambivalence, you are by default not committing to making efforts to improve. Nor are you putting in any action to begin the process of leaving and healing, of living a new life. It’s better to choose a side of the fence than to stay on it.

How do you decide what to do when you experience ambivalence about your relationship?

Here are some things to think about if you are questioning your relationship:

1. Ask yourself if you are willing to cultivate the following essentials

• Trust
• Honesty
• A sense of safety
• Communication
• Shared interests
• Commitment
• Self-and-partner esteem
• Respect
• Common goals

2. Carefully explore the following considerations:

Have small irritations become so frequent that they are no longer tolerable?
Not-good interactions outnumber good interactions and resentment has surpassed a workable point. Neither of you is willing to make changes to your upsetting behaviors and you can no longer tolerate each other if these behaviors remain.

Are your needs and desires so different that there is no room for compromise or change?
For example, different sex drives, dreams, values, or relationship expectations; different views on finances, children, or place to live. There is a need you cannot live without or you are unwilling to compromise the need.

Are there too many external stressors in your life?
Too many stressors can surpass a couple’s ability to cope. For example, work demands, major illness, accidents, family or origin needs, or financial instability. Stress can reach a point of eroding even deeply committed relationship; sometimes too much is too much.

Does your relationship lack depth?
Your connection has become shallow, predictable, and ritualistic, requiring little to no effort. Such a scenario can leave you susceptible to seeking intriguing experiences outside of the relationship.

Is your relationship characterized by boredom?
You’ve stopped discovering each other. You take each other for granted and have lost interest in continued growth. There is a lack of excitement, surprises, challenges, and passion. Similar to a lack of depth, boredom can tempt you to find ways to feel alive outside of the relationship.

Are you investing too much outside of the relationship?
For example, investing in social engagements, substances, sporting activities, excessive work commitments, etc., to the detriment of the relationship. Your outside priorities drain energy from the couple; your escapes have become more important than your relationship.

Do misunderstandings and misassumptions outnumber mutual understanding?
You no longer listen to each other, you have lost interest in each other, and you no longer attempt to resolve disagreements. Rather than put in work, you ignore the problems.

The above questions and considerations can help you come to a decision on whether your relationship issues are workable or not, and if you want to stay in the relationship. An additional consideration that is often forgotten is how you feel in your body. What is your body telling you? Your body can inform you about your level of stress or other emotions that are not always registered in our mind. Pay attention to your body’s reaction when you ponder whether to stay and whether to go. Notice the feelings that arise, such as tension/tightness versus relaxation/release.

When it comes down to it, nobody but you can decide whether you should stay or go. Consider the points above, ask yourself tough questions, and consider counseling. Work through the ambivalence to determine changes that can benefit both you, your partner, and your loved ones (especially children). You do not have to stay in an unhappy relationship. If you conclude that you and your partner cannot be happy together, consider ending it. You will do yourself a favor and may even avoid something worse, like cheating. If you conclude that you are happiest in a relationship together, then put in the hard work to repair the things that got you in a place of doubt.

If you need help resolving your ambivalence, we can help you come to a decision. Give us a call at 514-223-5327 and ask to set up an appointment with one of our couples counseling specialists.

Written by: Dr. Andrea Guschlbauer, Ph.D., OPQ.