Many of my clients ask me if sex addiction is real and this comes as no surprise given that deliberation exists among the clinicians who treat it. Arguably, we can ask if a host of other mental health issues are ‘real’. For example, in some cultures something like a manic episode can be seen as spiritual enlightenment. This being said, the number of celebrities who have come out as ‘sex addicts’ after being caught cheating has led many people to question whether sex addiction is simply an excuse for bad behavior. Wherever you stand on the issue, there are people who find themselves participating in sexual activities that they feel real distress about. Their behavior is getting in the way of their relationships, work, responsibilities and overall functioning.

People who identify as sex addicts use sex as a way to cope with life. Put differently, they are self-medicating emotional discomfort. However soothing and distracting this discomfort can be in the moment, using sex as a way of coping can create a vicious cycle. Picture this: a person feels distress and uses sex in an attempt to feel better but the relief is temporary and they eventually feel worse. There comes an even greater sense of emotional discomfort and shame so the person has an even greater need for an escape from uncomfortable feelings. And so the cycle continues. Similar to those who abuse substances and alcohol, sex addicts overuse sex as a way to deal with distress; mental health issues, work stress, relationship stress, etc. I say ‘overuse’ because sexual activity can indeed be a healthy coping mechanism, however problems can arise if that is the only way one relieves stress. As is the case with most things in life balance is key; we need to have a variety of coping skills in our toolbox.

Sex therapy can help clients learn to tolerate distress and to choose healthier ways of coping. Here are a few things you can expect if you decide to seek help:

Learn to identify your triggers of distress that compel you to seek sex as a way to self-soothe. What are you trying to escape from? Recognize the triggers and learn ways to manage these triggers better.

Learn about healthy coping. This can include things like relaxation, meditation, making use of social support, improving communication, grounding techniques, body awareness, exercise, journaling, etc.

Focus on intimacy in your relationship(s). Often sex addicts report a history of difficulty with emotional vulnerability; intimacy is perceived as risky and stressful. You can learn to increase your comfort level for emotional closeness and learn ways to express your needs to your partner(s).

Learn ways to challenge the negative thinking that influences your mood. Negative thoughts often lead to poor mood. By identifying and changing unhelpful thoughts, you may notice improvements in how you feel. Feeling better can lead to making healthier choices in life.

These are just a few of the ways that pursuing counseling can help you to deal with sex addiction. People often feel ashamed and alone and keep their struggle with sex addiction hidden. We can help you feel less overwhelmed and make the changes you need to make. You can find us at www.wellnessinmind.ca or at 514 223 5327.

Written by Andrea Guschlbauer, PhD.