Depression is certainly poignant for the person experiencing it but we often overlook its impact on caregivers. It can be a very challenging and heartbreaking experience to witness somebody close to you struggle and to not know how to help. In this blog post, we will provide a general overview of the signs of depression, the myths that interfere with effective support and the impact it often has on a person’s loved ones. Next week (Supporting a Loved One through Depression: Part II), we will look at how you can effectively support a loved one to cope with and recover from their depression.

Depression can look different for different individuals. For example, it can appear as overall pessimism, anger, sadness, anxiety, fatigue or even in the form of an addiction. Symptoms may include: persistent feelings of hopelessness/sadness/emptiness/worthlessness, a general loss of interest in things, withdrawing from friends and family/social isolation, fatigue, change in sleep patterns, change in appetite, self-medication and suicidal thoughts. However, not everyone will experience all of those symptoms simultaneously or some people may experience varying degrees or frequency of symptoms at different times during a depressive episode. Before we look at some ways of supporting a loved one through their depression, it is important to highlight some myths of depression that can interfere with our ability to provide the appropriate support:

1-“It is all in your head”. Depression can be a symptom of other medical illnesses or it can have biological causes. Even when it presents as a chronic condition that has no clear cause, it always creates biological changes to the brain that can be extremely difficult to change.

2- The belief that if they were controlling/managing their negative thoughts such as “I’m lazy”, “I’m stupid”, “I’m a failure”, or “I’m hopeless”, that they can feel better. The fact is that when someone is in the dark hole of a depression it can feel almost impossible to control the recurring negative thoughts which come into a person’s mind. The effects of depression on the brain is such that it increases the likelihood that you will repeat the same behaviors that will make your depression worse.

3- With enough “will power”, they can overcome their depression. Statements such as simply “snapping out of it” or “trying harder” can in fact cause more harm than good. One way to think about such comments is to replace depression with a physical illness such as liver disease, for example: “If you had stronger will power, you can make your liver function better”. We wouldn’t suggest that to a person suffering from a physical illness so we certainly can’t suggest that to someone suffering from depression.

4- That depression or other mental illnesses occur because a person is “weak” or “crazy”. This belief can lead to feelings of shame which can lead to further isolation. The stigma surrounding mental illness is very discouraging which can exacerbate the person’s condition further.

5- “If a person is depressed then they cannot be productive”. This statement is simply untrue. Many people who are feeling depressed lead functional productive lives but suffer in silence.

It is common for people close to a person with depression to personalize their loved one’s suffering as though it were a reflection of them failing in some way. Feelings of rejection, helplessness, fear, anxiety, worry, being overwhelmed and guilt are commonly reported. Some people may find themselves questioning if they were “bad” parents, partners, friends, sisters/brothers, which contributed in some way to their loved one becoming depressed. Another impact within a relationship with someone who is depressed might be a loss of emotional and/or physical intimacy, feeling neglected, communication changes, and an overall sense of uncertainty regarding when their partner will recover or relapse into another depressive episode again. Feelings of being trapped or perhaps anger/resentment at the shift in the course of your lives as a couple may also surface. If the depression is long-standing or chronic, a caregiver may begin to experience burnout or become depressed themselves. Some signs of burnout include feeling burdened, as though you have reached your own limits in your ability to cope, insomnia, headaches/migraines, irritability or anger, stomach upset, frequent colds/illnesses, heart palpitations, backaches, sadness, emptiness and decrease in efficiency.

Next week we will look at steps that you can take to better support a loved one who is depressed. In the meantime, if you or a loved one are experiencing depression or are struggling in supporting someone through a depression, we can help you. You can reach out to us at (514) 223-5327.

Written by Marianne Chivi, M.A., c.o.