Last week, we looked at some of the myths surrounding depression and a few of the ways depression can have an impact on people who have loved ones who might be struggling. So how can we support someone we love who is suffering from depression?

1-The first step is to take better care of yourself. If you are struggling, then it can be impossible to support someone else who is also struggling. I often use the example of using an oxygen mask on an airplane in the case of an emergency: If you are unable to breathe, how can you possibly help the other person? We must take care of ourselves first in order to be a strong and healthy ally for the person struggling with depression.

2- Recognizing that it is NOT your fault that the person you are caring for is feeling depressed. Finding a way to let go of the idea that you had any responsibility in causing your loved one’s depression is crucial in your own self-care and in being more present in caring for your loved one.

3- Reminding yourself that the person who is suffering needs to work it out for themselves. Although you can be their ally and support, it is ultimately their responsibility to get the help that they need.

4- Educating yourself about depression and mental illness can be very empowering and helpful. The more you can understand depression, it’s signs, myths and its treatments, the stronger you can be in supporting your loved one.

5- Get support for yourself. It is very important that you have an outlet for your own challenges, emotions, thoughts and fears as you are going through the challenging experience with your loved one. Different forms of support could include keeping a journal, joining a support group, talking to other family members or friends about your experiences and seeking therapy for yourself.

6- Setting aside time for yourself at least once a week in order to recharge your batteries and to do something that is important for YOU. It may seem strange to suggest time alone and away from your loved one but this is necessary in order to feel rejuvenated and to be able to tackle the rest of the week with more strength.

7- Preserving routines and comfort rituals can be very nurturing for both the person of support and the person struggling with depression. One example of this is maintaining hobbies such as baking, regular exercise, painting. The presence of routine can be very stabilizing in the midst of emotional turmoil.

8- Maintaining your friendships and having fun. This may sound simple or might elicit feelings of guilt or discomfort at the idea of having fun when your loved one is suffering. However, we all need to have balance and an outlet to better manage life’s challenges. There is a tendency for those supporting others through their depression to also withdraw which actually puts them at risk for depression themselves. Therefore, spending time with friends and having some joy in your life can have a positive impact on your ability to support your loved one.

9-Remembering that change is always occurring and that regardless of how painful your current experience might feel it is temporary. The idea that “this too shall pass” and we are all a part of a much bigger world that is in constant motion can be helpful in shifting our perspective from the present suffering.

10- Finally, the practice of “letting go” is probably the hardest step but the most powerful one that you can begin to practice. Whether through mindfulness practice, through prayer, nurturing rituals, relaxation exercises or cognitive strategies – whatever method helps you to slow down and let go of what you cannot control can be a liberating and humbling process.

Your loved one might experience fear of being abandoned, feeling “bad” or “not good enough”, and repeatedly needing assurances that you are not going to leave them in the midst of their pain and suffering. Therefore, letting your loved one know that you are in this with them and will get through this difficult experience together can be very healing. Sometimes, there is nothing to actually “do” besides being present and empathic with the person. This can mean telling your loved one that although you are not feeling the same things that they are, that you are here with them as they go through it. Being available, understanding, supportive, caring, and present, you are doing a lot more to help your loved one than it might seem in the moment. Shifting your stance from “doing” to “being” can have great impact on your loved one’s recovery. This is why your own self-care becomes necessary so that you can “be” well, and it will help you to avoid burning out or becoming resentful. This is particularly important if you have other family members that also require your attention. Encouraging your loved one to seek out support is another way that you can be an ally in their recovery. Whether through therapy, medication, regular exercise or talking to a physician – letting your loved one know that resources are available can mean the first step toward recovery of their depression and their life.

If you need assistance in supporting your loved one or if you are suffering from depression yourself, you can schedule an appointment to meet one of our clinicians by calling us at (514) 223-5327.

Written by Marianne Chivi, M.A., c.o.