Trust is one of the most fundamental components of human connections. It impacts how we make sense of the world and interact with others. Trust develops very early on; helpless infants become either fearful or trusting depending on how caregivers meet their physical and emotional needs. As we grow trust continues to develop through our experience of how others treat us; whether or not they respond sensitively and appropriately to our needs. Later on in life trust continues to serve as the basis for our interpersonal relationships including romantic ones. A satisfying relationship is the most commonly cited goal of people worldwide and trust is the cornerstone of relationship satisfaction. It should come as no surprise then that stress in the form of breaches of trust can have extensive negative effects on our psychological and physical well-being.

We lose trust in our partners for a host of reasons including abuse, infidelity and deceit. Once trust is broken we often experience tremendous anxiety and resentment, which can create a wall between ourselves and our partners. We might withdraw from those close to us and feel quite lonely. Unfortunately, most of us face some form of mistrust or betrayal at some point in our lives. The good news is that there is hope; it is possible to regain trust and rebuild a damaged relationship.

Repairing trust is a challenging undertaking and can be a long process involving patience on the part of both partners. The work entails replacing painful memories with healing ones that help to develop a sense of safety and well-being.

Here are some key steps in repairing trust and recovering from a betrayal:

1. Acknowledge the betrayal; take responsibility. Do so as soon as possible since damage and healing time increase the longer you carry the burden in secret.

2. Make an effort to maintain honesty. Because your partner’s trust has been shaken they will likely need continued and repeated evidence over time that they can trust you again. During this time you might find yourself answering a lot of questions about the betrayal. Be patient and answer these questions, as they can be an opportunity to begin rebuilding trust.

3. Although it can be difficult, allow your partner to share their feelings about the betrayal. You cannot expect to reestablish trust without a full recognition of the consequences from what has happened. Listen to them without arguing or debating and validate their experience.

4. Patience is key. It takes much longer to rebuild trust than it did to earn it the first time around.

We cannot rush or force the process of rebuilding trust. It is built through small moments over time; everyday moments that may seem insignificant but serve as the building blocks of healing and repair. When our partner wants to talk to us about a bad day, asks us for help with a chore or looks upset – these are all opportunities to connect with our partner and rebuild trust. We are turning toward our partner rather than turning away and saying “I’m here for you”.

Betrayal can be a critical point in our relationship stories. Because breaches in trust come in big and small packages (we are not just talking infidelity here) it is inevitable that we will face betrayal in our relationship at some point or another. Rather than see these occurrences as a signal for the end we might choose to use this difficult time as an opportunity to not only repair but to strengthen our relationship.

If you need help repairing the trust in your relationship, call us to consult with one of our couple therapists at 514 223 5327.

Written by: Andrea Guschlbauer, Ph.D.