Much ink has been spilled on the importance of communication in romantic relationships. For instance, the benefits of using “I statements”, the importance of talking about one’s feelings, or trying to avoid using accusing or criticizing language. All of the above are positive, and I promote their use wholeheartedly. But there is, however, a subtler element to communication that does not seem to benefit from as much attention. An ingredient so important that without it, ‘communication’ would simply be ‘speaking’. The key element is listening.

At first glance, listening appears rather simple, and we all do it, right? Sit back, relax, and just hear the words exiting your partner’s mouth. But such a description would likely suit ‘hearing’ better than listening. In reality, listening is more complex, and certainly more challenging. But the good news is that knowledge and practice can lead to a significant improvement in our ability to truly tune into one another, and the payoffs are plentiful.

Listening entails much more than merely hearing a partner’s spoken words. In a 2003 study on communication in relationships, researcher Faye Doell drew attention to a key distinction, namely the difference between listening to understand and listening to respond, concluding that the former led to greater relationship satisfaction. And this distinction highlights one of the central elements of listening: understanding. Here are five strategies to help you along in your quest to become better listeners and as a result, most likely better partners, (and while you’re at it, better parents, family members and friends…)

Don’t make it about you. How many times are we engaged in conversations and all we want to do is give our opinion? Fix things? Defend ourselves? Listening is mainly about the other. It is about putting your needs, your opinions, your hurts aside temporarily and creating space and attention for the other to speak, to laugh, to cry, to explore – to just be. By being supportive and encouraging of this space, we are creating safety and freedom for our partners, as if saying to them: “You can say and feel what you need to say and feel right now. I can create that space for you.” Putting your partner first can be hard, especially if what they’re talking about is triggering or hurtful. Keep in mind that you don’t need to agree with your partner, or even like what they have to say. But being in listening mode is not the time to share your side of the story. (Don’t worry, you’ll get your turn… see below.)

Tune into their world. If you need to, take the time to actively prepare yourself to tune into your partner’s world. This can look like a brief solo-pep talk, or even a grounding ritual that can help you clear out your own agenda and focus on the other. Immerse yourself in your partner, turning their words and non-verbals into a narrative of a movie or book of their experience.

Strive to understand. As the listener, your first responsibility is to try to understand the position or experience of the other. Therefore, if what you’re getting isn’t clear, then ask clarifying questions to get the full picture. Steer clear of judgment and opinion, (which tend to be more about you than about your partner) and instead focus more on expressing interest and curiosity. This is your partner after all – would you not want to acquire a greater understanding of what they’re experiencing? Learn more about what makes them tick? Discover how they’ve evolved? Beyond being supportive in listening, acquiring a more profound knowledge of your partner deepens intimacy – one of the greatest antidotes to relational strife.

Take turns. Take a few deep breaths if you need to, and keep in mind that it is crucial for both partners to get a shot at expressing themselves and be listened to. Your turn may not be in 5 minutes, it may not be until after your partner’s finished their part. In fact, if you don’t feel the need to share your part, you may not even need to take your turn… this time. But be sure to get your turn next time around, or when something comes up for you and you will feel the need to express yourself. It’s only fair that if you provide that support to your partner, that they return the favour. So hang tight.

Don’t try to fix. Validate instead. Although good intentions may underlie attempts to fix, it is best used when solicited, as fixing often overshadows a partner’s experience and fast-tracks the discussion to the solution stage. Bombarding the other with suggestions and recommendations may appear caring & helpful, but it can also be received as “how is it that you haven’t thought of this?” Ultimately, as social creatures, what we often need above all else is to be heard, to be held, and to know that we are not alone. And therefore, validating our partner’s experience can go very far in providing such supports.

When working with clients, it never ceases to amaze me how many relationships have benefitted by simply applying some of the techniques listed here. As discussed above, part of the reason for this is that we acquire a greater understanding of one another, which is extremely important. But there are two more critical benefits that listening provides, often hidden from view. For one, in itself, being listened to deeply is calming and it can act as a dependable stress-reliever. Second, and more importantly, recognizing that our partner can reliably listen to us and be there for us significantly improves trust, the granddaddy of all relationship needs. So much so that renowned couples’ clinician and researcher Dr. John Gottman reported that the most significant predictor of healthy long-term relationships is reflected by the feeling that “I can trust that you will be there for me if I need you”.

So go out there, get your partner. Sit them down and let them tell you about them.

If you and your partner believe you would benefit from improving your listening skills, or if your couple is experiencing other struggles affecting your relationship, our clinicians would be pleased to support you through this challenging time. Call us at 514 223 5327 or complete the form below to schedule an appointment.

Written by: Julien Elia, M.A., OPQ, Psychologist

Many couples struggle with sex. Maybe you have different sex drives, you are preoccupied with your job or kids, or you have different sexual interests. Whatever the reason(s), when you find yourself in a sexual rut something that can be a highly pleasurable part of a relationship can become emotionally painful. People who previously felt close to their partner(s) through sex suddenly feel disconnected. Oftentimes sexual problems are seen as taboo and you do not talk about it. Not only does sex become an off-limits topic within the couple, but you might refrain from sharing with friends from whom you normally receive support. You might wind up feeling alone, neglected, frustrated, and ignored. The problem with avoiding the topic is that the problem will not go away. Without effort to change them, sexual problems can ruin your relationship.

Intimacy acts as glue in your relationship. By nurturing intimacy, you feel connected, happy, and cared for. There are different kinds of intimacy (emotional, physical, intellectual, recreational, and spiritual), but the one that tends to set intimate relationships apart from friendships is sexual intimacy. Without sex, couples tend to report feeling like roommates rather than partners.

Clients often ask what is a normal amount of sex. Rather than prescribing a golden rule, I tell them that it is more important that you are content with the amount of sexual intimacy in your relationship. Each couple defines their unique sexual threshold. We know that sex can fizzle when you have been in a relationship for a long time, but it certainly does not have to burn out and fade away.

Here are a few suggestions to reignite your sexual flame:

Schedule sex. Sounds unsexy right? It is sexier than no sex at all though! If you want sex to be a priority, you need to decide to make time for it just as you would for anything else (household chores, exercise, meals, etc.). Picture marking sex (or code word “date-night”) down on your calendar – could that be something to look forward to? It can feel both calming and exciting when you can rest assured that sex is on the horizon.

Communicate. Too often when couples come in for help in the bedroom, they tell me that they do not talk about the problem. The more you do not talk about it, the less likely you will get back to having the sex you are so sorely missing. Communicate with compassion and empathy. “It’s been so long since we’ve had sex. I miss you” works better than “Why haven’t we had sex?! What’s wrong with you?! You’re a bad partner!” Talk about what has changed over the last while that has contributed to lack of sex. Remind each other what you used to like about sex. Discuss fantasies, turn-ons, and new things you would like to try. Initiating the conversation is sometimes the hardest part. Once you are talking, it can actually be fun to talk about sex!

Experiment. Oftentimes sex becomes the same old thing – shake things up! What worked for years might have changed. Read erotica, watch pornography together, buy sex toys. Open a discussion about sexual desires and interests. Incorporate new activities in the bedroom; change your usual sexual routine and menu. That can range widely from doing something like wearing heels, putting on sexy music, trying new sexual positions, or having sex in a different part of the house, for example.

Incorporate mindfulness. Along with falling into a boring sexual routine, sometimes couples find themselves going into auto-pilot. By default auto-pilot means you are zoned out, not in the moment enjoying it. Wake up and tune in! Slow down and pay attention to all your senses (sight, smell, touch, taste). The simply act of touching different parts of your partner’s body can become exponentially exciting and arousing if you slow down and take your time. Rather than race to the finish, fully engage in the entire experience of having sex.

Take turns initiating. Usually the longer you have been in a relationship the more set your dynamic becomes, including who initiates sex. Having a usual sexual dance is not necessarily an issue, but it can be a problem if one of you is tired of your role. Maybe you question your desirability if you are always the initiator, or maybe you feel pressured if your partner always initiates. Even if you are content with your usual roles, it can be exciting to switch things up. Imagine your surprise if your partner acts out of character and initiates sex! If you are typically more passive, you may find it exciting and arousing to take on a more active/initiator role.

Educate yourself about sex and sexual issues. If you are experiencing a sexual disorder (erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, vaginismus, dyspareunia, inorgasmia, etc.), inform yourself about the condition. It can help to normalize what you are experiencing, thus decreasing stress and anxiety and you can begin to learn about ways to cope with the condition. You might choose to pursue counseling/sex therapy to benefit from a professional’s guidance in treating the issue.

Prioritize physical affection. All too often, when sex has become a sore spot within a couple, physical affection comes to a halt. It is important to remain connected physically. Exchanging touch reminds us that we are cared for and instills a sense of closeness. Physical touch releases “feel-good” hormones (oxytocin), decreases stress hormones (cortisol), and reduces blood pressure. That is to say, physical touch positively affects our brains, which becomes especially important if we are struggling emotionally related to lack of sex.

Some couples are content being in a sexless relationship. If you are not one of those couples and you want to reincorporate a healthy sexual connection, decide that sex is important and take the necessary steps. Remember that you have to actively engage in keeping sex alive, it will not keep up by itself. For couples who are emotionally intimate and are willing to put in the work, there is a good chance at getting back that satisfying sex life.

Sometimes couples wait a long time before seeking help. Rest assured, there is still hope even if it has been going on for years, however the longer you wait the more challenging it can be. If you recognize yourself in parts of this blog, one of our clinicians would be pleased to assist you in resuming a healthy sexual relationship. Call us at 514 223 5327 to schedule an appointment.

Written by: Dr. Andrea Guschlbauer, Ph.D., OPQ., Psychologist.

Newsflash for all new or expecting mothers worrying about sex after childbirth: You are not alone! We often think of having a baby as a wonderful time; for many people it is a long-awaited blessing. There is no denying that this life-changing event can bring immeasurable joy, however a less talked about reality is that giving birth can greatly impact sex and sexuality. Soon-to-be parents often feel intensely close during pregnancy, preparing for the new addition and planning for their new life as a family. However, once the baby arrives, partners can be suddenly launched into opposing directions with the little one resting in between.

Many women have conflicting feelings about their bodies after childbirth. Let’s face it; giving birth changes a woman’s body. Picture a bulging belly, swollen feet, sagging breasts, hair loss, skin changes, vaginal discharge, swollen legs and varicose veins and increased sweating. One can imagine that women may feel self-conscious about some of these bodily changes. They might not want to be touched shortly after childbirth. On top of dealing with body image issues, women may simply need space from touch after having an infant clinging to them day and night. Breasts can be especially prone to this issue of touch; breasts and nipples can become sore, bleed and chaffed from breast-feeding.

Related to concerns about their bodies, many women have conflicting feelings about sex after childbirth. Giving birth is a trauma to the vagina and women often feel anxious about their vaginas and penetration. Any kind of vaginal penetration can become uncomfortable or even painful because of muscles and nerves being affected by pregnancy and labor. Natural lubrication can also be an issue as women might experience excessive dryness after birth, especially if they are breastfeeding. What’s more, breasts can become so strongly linked to the mother-child bond that women can stop seeing them as part of their sexuality. Having breasts touched during sexual play can serve as a distraction rather than an erotic experience.
Women can experience urinary incontinence and flatulence after childbirth, which can be embarrassing and make women more likely to avoid sex.

Not only can women have fears about resuming sex after giving birth, they might lose interest altogether. Libido often takes a hit after having a child. Hormonal changes can contribute to decreased libido. Furthermore, women might find themselves sleep-deprived and exhausted and might have a new or increased self-consciousness about their bodies. What’s more, sex tends to be the last thing on a new mom’s mind given that she is likely to be exhausted, sore and preoccupied. A new mom might associate sex with conception and immediately after childbirth the last thing she wants is another pregnancy. Fatigue is another contributor to decreased libido; not only in the obvious way (too tired to have sex) but also by contributing to marital conflict through increased arguing. If the bulk of your interactions with your partner consist of arguing, you might both be less interested in having sex.

When resuming sexual activity, women can expect some degree of tightness after childbirth. They can also expect a certain degree of pain with the goal being to decrease it as much as possible. When engaging in penetrative sex remember that different positions will affect the perineum (which may have torn during childbirth) differently. The importance of communication about sex after childbirth cannot be stressed enough. Your partner may not know what you are going through or how to best help you ease back into a fulfilling and pleasurable sex life. Your sexual repertoire may have changed and your partner needs to partake in creating the new menu.

A sudden change in sexual intimacy can be devastating, painful and cause extreme tension. One of the best things you can do if you are struggling in the areas of sex and sexuality after childbirth is to talk to your partner. Remember that you can be intimate without having sex or at least penetrative sex. Kiss, hug, cuddle, fondle and use your hands and mouth. Couples may benefit from changing their sexual expectations. It is so important to maintain overall (not just sexual!) intimacy and to communicate, communicate, communicate!

Bringing a child into the world can be wonderful but the often-overlooked issue of sexual problems can leave women feeling embarrassed and alone. Know that you are not alone if you are struggling with changes in sex and sexuality after childbirth. We want to help you receive the support you need to adjust and get back to the intimate and sexually fulfilling relationship you had before giving birth. Call us at 514-223-5327 to schedule with one of our clinicians.

Written by: Dr. Andrea Guschlbauer, Ph.D., OPQ., Psychologist.