Reconnecting with your Partner

Most couples find themselves feeling disconnected from each other at different times in their relationship. Considering all the things we juggle with work, children, activities, socializing, family commitments, etc. – we might only see our partner at the end of the day when we are too exhausted to do anything but lay our heads on the pillow and sleep. Oftentimes our relationship falls to the bottom of the priority list and we find ourselves feeling resentful, arguing, and probably lacking in physical/sexual intimacy. If you recognize yourself in this description, there is hope. There are several ways to reconnect and rebuild intimacy in spite of hectic schedules.

1. Make your relationship a priority.
Time to connect with your partner may not always be easy to find but it is worth it. Your relationship is as important (if not more) as going to the gym, getting the children to soccer practice or meeting that work deadline. Add a date night to your calendar. Putting couple time in your calendar demonstrates that the relationship is important and makes couple time more likely to happen. Carving out this time does not mean jetting off to Paris for a night – it can be as simple as lighting candles and putting on some romantic music in the living room. Be creative, it can actually be fun to find ways to reconnect!

2. Institute weekly check-ins.
Think of this as a team meeting. You might try a format similar to the following: share something you appreciate about each other, something about your week, something that is bothering you, make a nonjudgmental/complaint-free request (e.g., “Please replace the toilet paper roll, there was none when I went to the bathroom this morning”), and end with a hope, big or small (e.g., “I hope we watch our favorite show together next week” or “I would love to travel Europe with you this summer!”). Another approach to check-in time might be more practical like planning for the week ahead (e.g., work, family, childcare, couple time). These plans can also be more long-term such as financial goals, vacation planning and/or even sharing dreams. Sharing ambitions can be an exciting way to reconnect and feel excited about the future.

3. Find shared interests.
Having common interests can really help couples stay connected. Doing something enjoyable together can add something special to your week/month and allows you to build new happy memories together. You will begin to have something to talk about other than the children, work and chores. A shared interest can be something like cooking classes, hiking or a dance class. It can also be something simple like having coffee together before work or saving one night a week to go to bed together. The more you can do as a couple, the more opportunities you have to reconnect and feel bonded on a consistent basis.

4. Show your support for each other.
It sounds simple but it is so important to be there for each other. Encourage each other. Look for the positive in your partner, give praise and show appreciation. Your partner might have a special interest or have just reached a goal – show them that you are proud of them, cheer them on, celebrate. It is a great opportunity to help each other feel loved and supported and these small moments strengthen your bond.

5. Touch each other.
Simple acts of physical intimacy like a hug or holding hands can go a long way especially if sexual intimacy is not quite where you would like it to be. Touch can help you to feel physically connected. Along with showing physical affection at random times, you might try incorporating cuddling into your bedtime ritual. Using bedtime to reconnect physically can increase feelings of caring and closeness and ends the day on a positive, connected note.

6. Reduce commitments if necessary.
For those who have children, remember to consider the impact of their schedules on the couple. If you have two children and each takes part in three after school activities, chances are you cannot implement most, if any, of the suggestions above. It is difficult to feel connected when you do not have any time together! You might consider cutting back on the children’s activities.

If you can relate to having lost a sense of connection with your partner you are not alone. Most couples feel this way at some point due to the demands of everyday life. Reconnection requires re-evaluating your priorities and making some key changes. By working on some of the points outlined in this article you can preserve and improve your relationship.

If you need more support to improve the connection in your couple call us to consult with one of our therapists at (514) 223-5327.

Written by: Andrea Guschlbauer, Ph.D., OPQ.

Surviving the holidays with difficult family members

The holidays can be a very difficult time of the year for people who will be spending more time with those relatives who have been a source of heartache for them rather than joy. While the media anticipates a season of peace and joy, many people actually dread the holidays. Whether your father says mean things, your mother drinks too much or your brother-in-law constantly complains, it is much safer to accept that these family members are likely to do what they always do – and it is best to prepare for that.

Here are some suggestions to get through the holidays with less angst:

Keep it simple
Try and spend more time with people that are easy to be with and less time with those who are difficult. With difficult family members keep the conversation simple. Refrain from starting a debate and resist getting drawn into their drama. If you are having a hard time keeping your cool, just excuse yourself from the conversation and do not come back.

Create structure
Dysfunction has the space to arise only if we allow for that space. See if you can structure the time with difficult family members by planning an activity such as a game or a family movie. This way the interactions will have a focus and it may even be positive or fun.

Identify your triggers
Think about what typically sets you off when you spend time with difficult family members. If you can identify these triggers ahead of time, you will less likely be caught off guard and react impulsively to them. You can also prepare yourself to breathe deeply at these moments to remain as grounded as possible.

Cope ahead
Take some time to plan how you would like to be with your dysfunctional family members. You might decide that you would like to carry yourself with grace and dignity for example. Think about the body postures, facial expressions and even the words that exude the qualities you would like to have. Then rehearse these in your mind as though you are the hero or heroine in a movie. Imaginal practice will make it easier for you to access these attributes in the moment of challenge

Create boundaries
Remind yourself that how people act and behave is a reflection of who they are and has nothing to do with you. Even though it can be tough, try not to personalize hurtful comments or behaviors. You can also set limits about how long you will stay or arrange to “leave yourself an out” by having access to a car or going for a walk when needed.

Create joy
See if you can create your own special moments of peace and joy. Decide what make might make the holidays special for you and experiment with these different ideas to develop your own holiday traditions that you might look forward to for years to come

From all of us at Westmount Psychological Services, we wish you peace this holiday season.

Written by: Shawna Atkins, Ph.D., OPQ.

Help for Erectile Dysfunction

Erectile difficulties are more prevalent than we might think and affect men of all ages. There is a commonly held belief that medication will solve the problem – and it might. However for many men erectile dysfunction (ED) is not a physical problem but a psychological one.

The “little blue pill” (a.k.a., Viagra) will likely help you get an erection but it does not address why your penis was not getting erect in the first place. Taking a pill involves planning and sometimes secrecy while getting to the root of the problem can help men to regain a sense of mastery in their sex lives. Few people are aware of how beneficial counselling/sex therapy can be for ED by addressing the psychological side of the problem.

The most predominant cause of ED is anxiety. We all know that a man needs to be aroused to get an erection but we overlook a second crucial ingredient – he also needs to be relaxed. When we are anxious we are in “fight or flight” mode – our body is tense, we have tunnel vision focused on imminent danger, we are sweating, our digestion slows and we are basically bracing ourselves to face a tiger attack. Fight-or-flight mode is adaptive in some situations but not for sex. Feeling anxious in sexual situations does not lead to satisfying sexual encounters. For men, your mind is not primed for an erection, to say the least. Counselling/sex therapy can help you learn how to bring tension down and bring relaxation up, boost arousal and connect with your sexual partner.

Here are some of the ways that counselling/sex therapy can help with ED:

1. Learn to identify stressors and develop healthy coping strategies to decrease their impact.
2. Discover and challenge some of the negative thoughts you have come to associate with sex and your erection.
3. Learn ways to boost your self-esteem and regain confidence in yourself as a sexual being.
4. Learn relaxation techniques that can create a state of mind conducive for good sex.
5. Learn how to decrease stress in your relationship(s).
6. Practice effective communication so that you are able to openly discuss the problem with your partner and feel less alone.
7. Find out how certain unhealthy habits may be affecting your erection such as smoking and lack of exercise.
8. Discover how you can increase your libido.

Men who experience ED often feel ashamed, alone and hopeless. It is important to know that help is out there; you can overcome ED by seeking out a mental health professional trained in treating sexual problems.

To learn more about how to overcome erectile dysfunction call to consult with Andrea Guschlbauer at (514) 223-5327.

Written by: Andrea Guschlbauer, Ph.D.

Love in a Dangerous Time: Stress and Intimacy in Same-sex Couples

Relationships come in all forms – heterosexual, lesbian, gay and bisexual to name a few. No matter whom we love we tend to want the same things in our relationships. For example, research has shown that we want to experience psychological well-being, good communication, similar values, and support. On the other hand power imbalance, lack of intimacy and arguing can leave us feeling unsatisfied with our relationships.

Although we’ are more similar than different those in same-sex relationships experience a major difference from peers in heterosexual relationships; the stress that comes along with being a sexual minority. Heterosexual people live in a world where their love is accepted more or less unconditionally. Lesbian, gay and bisexual (LGB) people often don’t have the privilege of experiencing a simple act like holding hands with their same-sex partner(s) without first assessing the risk and potentially experiencing negative consequences. Same-sex couples face a reality that often includes experiences of discrimination, anticipating rejection, hiding and concealing their sexual orientation and internalizing society’s negatives views (this is known as sexual minority stress).

Research shows that stress has extensive negative effects on both mental and physical health as well as relationship functioning. We can imagine for example that chronic stress might leave us feeling irritated and lead to arguing with our partner(s). Over time we might feel less and less satisfied with our relationship(s). All couples experience stress but same-sex couples experience the unique stress of living as a sexual minority. This stress is added to the everyday stress that heterosexual couples face. Imagine the same scenario of having a stressful day, feeling irritated and fighting with your partner but add to it that on your way home from work a passerby yelled a homophobic slur at you.

Given that LGB people face a double dose of potential stress (or potentially more if they have other marginalized and intersecting identities) their relationships can be particularly vulnerable. How can one deal with living in a world that discriminates against one’s love? A major source of coping with stress in same-sex couples is emotional intimacy.

What is emotional intimacy? It’s a sense of closeness to our partner(s); being able to share our feelings and feeling cared for and understood. Emotional intimacy boosts our psychological and physical well-being and reduces the impact of stress. So coping strategies focused on emotional intimacy are of particular importance for same-sex couples. The idea is to increase connection and emotional engagement between partners.

Here are some ways to enhance closeness in relationships:
1. Schedule uninterrupted time for conversation. Take the time to check in with each other and on the relationship; share and listen.
2. Find time to be alone together. Too often we go long stretches without alone time; make quality couple time happen.
3. Make time for physical and sexual intimacy. Cuddle, hug, hold hands, kiss, have sex.
4. Have fun together. Let loose together; laugh, play, be silly.
5. Get involved in each other’s interests. Share in each other’s passions and activities.

Living in a world that oftentimes discriminates can be very difficult. One way to combat the negative effects of sexual minority stress is to focus on closeness in your relationship(s); turn toward each other and strengthen your emotional connection(s).

To learn more about how to cope with stress and boost emotional intimacy in your relationship(s) call us to consult with one of our therapists at (514) 223-5327.

*Please note: Lesbian, gay, and bisexual couples may wish to see a therapist who is well informed of sexual minority issues. Here at Westmount Psychological Services we are pleased to offer counseling by therapists who are competent to work with the special needs of LGBT populations.

Disclaimer: We recognize the importance of language-use in LGBT2SQIA communities. We acknowledge that the terms same-sex, lesbian, gay, bisexual are not inclusive of all gender identities, sexual orientations or types of relationships. The outlined ways to enhance closeness in relationships can apply to a wider range of human experience. Members of our team would be pleased to discuss further and explore the unique ways that stress and intimacy fit into your relationship.

Written by: Dr. Andrea Guschlbauer, Ph.D., OPQ

When Trust is Broken: The Road to Repair

Trust is one of the most fundamental components of human connections. It impacts how we make sense of the world and interact with others. Trust develops very early on; helpless infants become either fearful or trusting depending on how caregivers meet their physical and emotional needs. As we grow trust continues to develop through our experience of how others treat us; whether or not they respond sensitively and appropriately to our needs. Later on in life trust continues to serve as the basis for our interpersonal relationships including romantic ones. A satisfying relationship is the most commonly cited goal of people worldwide and trust is the cornerstone of relationship satisfaction. It should come as no surprise then that stress in the form of breaches of trust can have extensive negative effects on our psychological and physical well-being.

We lose trust in our partners for a host of reasons including abuse, infidelity and deceit. Once trust is broken we often experience tremendous anxiety and resentment, which can create a wall between ourselves and our partners. We might withdraw from those close to us and feel quite lonely. Unfortunately, most of us face some form of mistrust or betrayal at some point in our lives. The good news is that there is hope; it is possible to regain trust and rebuild a damaged relationship.

Repairing trust is a challenging undertaking and can be a long process involving patience on the part of both partners. The work entails replacing painful memories with healing ones that help to develop a sense of safety and well-being.

Here are some key steps in repairing trust and recovering from a betrayal:

1. Acknowledge the betrayal; take responsibility. Do so as soon as possible since damage and healing time increase the longer you carry the burden in secret.

2. Make an effort to maintain honesty. Because your partner’s trust has been shaken they will likely need continued and repeated evidence over time that they can trust you again. During this time you might find yourself answering a lot of questions about the betrayal. Be patient and answer these questions, as they can be an opportunity to begin rebuilding trust.

3. Although it can be difficult, allow your partner to share their feelings about the betrayal. You cannot expect to reestablish trust without a full recognition of the consequences from what has happened. Listen to them without arguing or debating and validate their experience.

4. Patience is key. It takes much longer to rebuild trust than it did to earn it the first time around.

We cannot rush or force the process of rebuilding trust. It is built through small moments over time; everyday moments that may seem insignificant but serve as the building blocks of healing and repair. When our partner wants to talk to us about a bad day, asks us for help with a chore or looks upset – these are all opportunities to connect with our partner and rebuild trust. We are turning toward our partner rather than turning away and saying “I’m here for you”.

Betrayal can be a critical point in our relationship stories. Because breaches in trust come in big and small packages (we are not just talking infidelity here) it is inevitable that we will face betrayal in our relationship at some point or another. Rather than see these occurrences as a signal for the end we might choose to use this difficult time as an opportunity to not only repair but to strengthen our relationship.

If you need help repairing the trust in your relationship, call us to consult with one of our couple therapists at 514 223 5327.

Written by: Andrea Guschlbauer, Ph.D.

Preventing and Improving Poor Body Image

The image we have of ourselves is already largely formed at age 2 and once we develop beliefs and attitudes about ourselves – they are resistant to change. This highlights early childhood as a crucial period to prevent body image problems.

From infancy onward attune yourself to your children’s cues and help them to accurately label their feelings – whether these are emotional or physical. This helps children to identify and name what they are experiencing internally and their increasing ability to respond to these needs (i.e. rest when tired, eat when hungry) helps them to increase their sense of mastery and confidence.

Our children also need a lot of physical expressions of love: rocking, cuddling or physical contact during play. When kids experience consistent and soothing bodily contact they learn that the body is a source of pleasure and comfort.
Make family meals a peaceful time for enjoying food and being with each other. Save arguments, TV shows or phone calls for another time. Don’t use food as either a punishment or a reward.

Encourage children to explore their physical strengths. Let them experiment with different types of movement to give them the opportunity to experience their body as a positive, effective part of themselves. Children who are involved in physical activities have higher self-esteem – we especially see this effect on girls. Physical activity has many benefits – among them an increased sense of oneself as strong, healthy, coordinated and energetic.

Do not allow teasing about bodies in the house. Work towards identifying and resisting all forms of discrimination. Teach children what to do if they are teased at school. As teachers and coaches, we need to understand the detrimental effects of teasing and minimize this negative experience.

Be careful not to emphasize high achievement, perfectionism or competitiveness. These values increase the development of feelings of inadequacy and failure. We can encourage our children to do their best without needing to impress others with their performance.

Teach children how to critique the media constructively. Help them to deconstruct the messages that advertisements, television shows, music videos and even character roles in books tell us about how we should feel, act or look. Consider eliminating those that emphasize thinness such as some magazines. Letters of complaint can be sent to advertisers who promote harmful images and letters of appreciation can be sent to those advertisers that celebrate the natural diversity of human body shapes and sizes. Societal standards cannot harm us unless we let them.

Educate teenagers about bodily changes they can expect during puberty. We might share stories about how we felt when we were going through it. Sharing strategies about how to handle this period and gain perspective can also be helpful. Remind them that judgements based on appearances happen less often after high school.

Model a healthy self-perception. Learn about “set-point” weight and stop fighting with your body to be something that it’s not. Learn about the dangerous effects of dieting and give it up. Nurture your body by striving for balanced eating, physical activity and sufficient rest instead.
Do not use the body as an indicator for self-esteem. Encourage yourself and others to consider all of our qualities when evaluating ourselves. A strong sense of self that is not dependent on appearance is a resiliency factor for all kinds of problems. Parents or educators can do this by letting boys and girls know what is beautiful about them such as their kindness, strength, grace, intuitiveness, humor etc.

Learn how to identify symptoms of stress and model ways to effectively deal with stress.

Intentionally focus on positive aspects of the body. Get beyond appearance and include aspects such as movement and function. An example of this is to notice how fortunate we are that our bodies perform intricate and fascinating tasks for our well-being every day. Replace the negative ideas about our bodies with positive ones that are believable to us. This is a tough one for many of our clients. You cannot replace “I’m ugly” with “I’m beautiful” – it’s too big a leap. You can replace it with “my smile is beautiful” or even just setting an intention such as: “I am trying to notice and appreciate what I might come to love about myself”.

Surround yourself with people who respect a variety of body types and consider advocating to create safe spaces where teasing and “fat jokes” are eliminated.

If these ideas do not improve your body image consider getting professional support. Our clinicians are trained in the treatment of eating disorders and body image disturbances. Below you will find a list of resources which may be of interest to those of you who would like to read more.

Written by Shawna Atkins, Ph.D., OPQ

Canter, S. (2009). Normal Eating for Normal Weight: The Path to Freedom from Weight Obsession and Food Cravings. Permutations Software, New York.

Cash, T.F. (2008). The Body Image Workbook: An Eight-Step Program for Learning to Like Your Looks, second edition). New Harbinger, CA.

Friedman, S.S. (1997). When girls feel fat: Helping girls through adolescence. Harper Collins, New York.

Hirshman, J. & Zaphiropoulos, L. (1993). Preventing childhood eating problems: A practical positive approach to raising children free of food and weight conflicts. Gurze Books, CA.

Ikeda, J. & Naworsky, P. (1992). Am I fat? Helping young children accept differences in body size. ETR Associates, CA.

Koenig, K.R. (2005). The Rules Of “Normal” Eating: A Commonsense Approach for Dieters, Overeaters, Undereaters, Emotional Eaters, and Everyone in Between! Gurze, CA.

Pearson, A., Heffner, M., & Follette, V.M. (2010). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for Body Image Dissatisfaction: A Practitioner’s Guide to Using Mindfulness, Acceptance, and Values-Based Behavior Change Strategies. New Harbinger, CA.

Pipher. M. (1994). Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls. Ballantine Books, New York.

Web sites:
www.bodyimagecoalition.org
www.mindonthemedia.org/
www.aboutface.com
www.nedic.ca
www.edap.org
www.something-fishy.org
www.adiosbarbie.com

Helping Children with Career Choice

Children need guidance in learning how to choose a career. We know that career possibilities in the form of elimination begin to emerge at the pre-school age when children first begin to see careers as a function of gender. This can be as simple as assuming that whatever mom works at is a ‘girl’ job and whatever dad does is a ‘boy’ job or it can also be a result of hearing one’s parents speak about certain careers as being ‘not good’. If a parent consistently complains about their job a child may eliminate that as a possible career not realizing that it is the specific environment that is making the parent unhappy.

So when do children often first hear that one day they will be expected to have a job – that is when someone says “What do you want to be when you grow up”. This question can be really confusing because it assumes that a small child might actually know what they want to do when they are adults. Technically it is a ridiculous question which many of us have been asked and even asked our own children; however what we really need to be asking is “what do you like to do” or “what are you good at doing”. Even if our children are very small and do not necessarily know what they are good at doing or are more likely to respond ‘recess’ to what they like to do, these questions are meant to make them think. If repeated enough during their early years they will learn to think about what they are good at rather than what they are not good at and they may pay attention when someone says “Wow you are really good at this”. You yourself can take a small test. Take five minutes and write down what you are good at and then take five minutes to write down what you are not good at; see how much easier the latter is than the former.

The first tenet of career development is “Know yourself” and when we ask children or teenagers what they like to do and what they are good at we are helping them to negotiate this first stage. If they are confident in what they enjoy and what they do well they will look for careers that access these attributes. When there is a good fit between our personalities and the job, career satisfaction and happiness is far more accessible. The question “What do you want to do when you grow up” jumps to the second tenet of career development which is “Know what is out there”. Career is difficult today because there are so many choices and this can be very confusing and even debilitating for teenagers who are trying to figure out what they want to do. But if we keep children on the first tenet before they move to the second they will have more confidence and even though they will never know all of their options they will have already circumscribed the world of career down to a sphere of their own preferences and strengths. And of course the last tenet is “Know how the two (you and what is out there) go together”. One may love working with people but if they hate the sight of blood then a medical career might not be a good option.

So as parents a good approach would be to focus on helping your children to know themselves and that includes what they enjoy and what they do not like. When children say “I hate history” it is far better to explore what it is about history they do not like than just saying “Oh it’s not that bad”. One of the major intelligences is intrapersonal intelligence and this is something that can be developed by being taught very early that it is important to know yourself.

If this type of exploration is something that you have never done yourself you can start right now. When are you the most serene; what parts of your job do you really like; what parts do you not like; what made you choose this career in the first place and of course my favorite question “If you won the lottery on Saturday night where would you be on Monday morning”. For many people it would be at their workplace but unfortunately the numbers are far too few, which tells us a great number of people are really not happy in their job. Self-exploration and understanding yourself are important elements of the career process. If you are thinking of a career transition and feel stuck in this process you can always speak with a therapist who is knowledgeable in the field of career. And the counsellors that are typically available through the schools our children attend can be an excellent resource to them as they navigate their career decisions.

Written by: Judith Norton, R.N., Ph.D.