The Power of Awe

I saw fireflies a few nights ago, they were mesmerizing. I hadn’t seen them in years and they had me fixated on the dark waiting for them to work their magic. As we stood there captivated for almost 20 minutes I began to think about the power and psychological benefits of ‘awe’.

Michelle Shiota of the University of Arizona studies the impact that awe has on us physiologically and refers to it as the “Gucci bag of emotions”. She notes that we generally tend to think of awe as a luxury but it does not need to be. All of us can experience awe and benefit from it. Awe is the feeling of being in the presence of something vast and greater than the self and because it often exceeds our current understanding of the world, our thought processes must expand to accommodate it. Contrary to most positive emotions that activate us, awe slows us down and focuses our attention onto one thing. It slows down the sympathetic nervous system, the part of our nervous system that makes us fight, flight or freeze in the face of stress or danger. As a result, it soothes the body, sharpens our focus and increases our sense of connection to something larger than us.

We are biologically hard wired to continuously scan the environment to ensure our safety. We would not have evolved as far as we have if our nervous systems had not done this for us. As a result, most of our worries are a result of a hyper-focus on the preservation of the self. Awe has the effect of reducing this tendency momentarily as it focuses us on the world around us and changes the way we think about it. Studies have linked awe to reduced irritability, increased well-being and pro-social behavior.

Awe also changes our perception of time. Adults tend to lose their sense of wonder about the world and as we are getting faster and faster paced in our society awe can help us to slow time down and captivate our attention into the present moment. Awe has the quality of making time expansive.

Think about what is most likely to elicit awe for you. Is it nature? Art? Music? A spiritual experience? Witnessing children experience wonder? I encourage you to identify this and actively look for opportunities to experience these more regularly. I also encourage you to seek out new experiences so that you can broaden your sources of awe-inspiring opportunities. Experience these in real time if you can but researchers get their participants to experience awe virtually so why not give that a try too? Consider a collection of images that relate to your sources of awe that you can use.

We hope these ideas support your quest for wellness. If along the way you struggle, give us a call 514 223 5327. We are committed to helping people lead flourishing lives.

Written by: Shawna Atkins, Ph.D., OPQ., Psychologist

Sexless relationships: How to reignite the sexual flame.

Many couples struggle with sex. Maybe you have different sex drives, you are preoccupied with your job or kids, or you have different sexual interests. Whatever the reason(s), when you find yourself in a sexual rut something that can be a highly pleasurable part of a relationship can become emotionally painful. People who previously felt close to their partner(s) through sex suddenly feel disconnected. Oftentimes sexual problems are seen as taboo and you do not talk about it. Not only does sex become an off-limits topic within the couple, but you might refrain from sharing with friends from whom you normally receive support. You might wind up feeling alone, neglected, frustrated, and ignored. The problem with avoiding the topic is that the problem will not go away. Without effort to change them, sexual problems can ruin your relationship.

Intimacy acts as glue in your relationship. By nurturing intimacy, you feel connected, happy, and cared for. There are different kinds of intimacy (emotional, physical, intellectual, recreational, and spiritual), but the one that tends to set intimate relationships apart from friendships is sexual intimacy. Without sex, couples tend to report feeling like roommates rather than partners.

Clients often ask what is a normal amount of sex. Rather than prescribing a golden rule, I tell them that it is more important that you are content with the amount of sexual intimacy in your relationship. Each couple defines their unique sexual threshold. We know that sex can fizzle when you have been in a relationship for a long time, but it certainly does not have to burn out and fade away.

Here are a few suggestions to reignite your sexual flame:

Schedule sex. Sounds unsexy right? It is sexier than no sex at all though! If you want sex to be a priority, you need to decide to make time for it just as you would for anything else (household chores, exercise, meals, etc.). Picture marking sex (or code word “date-night”) down on your calendar – could that be something to look forward to? It can feel both calming and exciting when you can rest assured that sex is on the horizon.

Communicate. Too often when couples come in for help in the bedroom, they tell me that they do not talk about the problem. The more you do not talk about it, the less likely you will get back to having the sex you are so sorely missing. Communicate with compassion and empathy. “It’s been so long since we’ve had sex. I miss you” works better than “Why haven’t we had sex?! What’s wrong with you?! You’re a bad partner!” Talk about what has changed over the last while that has contributed to lack of sex. Remind each other what you used to like about sex. Discuss fantasies, turn-ons, and new things you would like to try. Initiating the conversation is sometimes the hardest part. Once you are talking, it can actually be fun to talk about sex!

Experiment. Oftentimes sex becomes the same old thing – shake things up! What worked for years might have changed. Read erotica, watch pornography together, buy sex toys. Open a discussion about sexual desires and interests. Incorporate new activities in the bedroom; change your usual sexual routine and menu. That can range widely from doing something like wearing heels, putting on sexy music, trying new sexual positions, or having sex in a different part of the house, for example.

Incorporate mindfulness. Along with falling into a boring sexual routine, sometimes couples find themselves going into auto-pilot. By default auto-pilot means you are zoned out, not in the moment enjoying it. Wake up and tune in! Slow down and pay attention to all your senses (sight, smell, touch, taste). The simply act of touching different parts of your partner’s body can become exponentially exciting and arousing if you slow down and take your time. Rather than race to the finish, fully engage in the entire experience of having sex.

Take turns initiating. Usually the longer you have been in a relationship the more set your dynamic becomes, including who initiates sex. Having a usual sexual dance is not necessarily an issue, but it can be a problem if one of you is tired of your role. Maybe you question your desirability if you are always the initiator, or maybe you feel pressured if your partner always initiates. Even if you are content with your usual roles, it can be exciting to switch things up. Imagine your surprise if your partner acts out of character and initiates sex! If you are typically more passive, you may find it exciting and arousing to take on a more active/initiator role.

Educate yourself about sex and sexual issues. If you are experiencing a sexual disorder (erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, vaginismus, dyspareunia, inorgasmia, etc.), inform yourself about the condition. It can help to normalize what you are experiencing, thus decreasing stress and anxiety and you can begin to learn about ways to cope with the condition. You might choose to pursue counseling/sex therapy to benefit from a professional’s guidance in treating the issue.

Prioritize physical affection. All too often, when sex has become a sore spot within a couple, physical affection comes to a halt. It is important to remain connected physically. Exchanging touch reminds us that we are cared for and instills a sense of closeness. Physical touch releases “feel-good” hormones (oxytocin), decreases stress hormones (cortisol), and reduces blood pressure. That is to say, physical touch positively affects our brains, which becomes especially important if we are struggling emotionally related to lack of sex.

Some couples are content being in a sexless relationship. If you are not one of those couples and you want to reincorporate a healthy sexual connection, decide that sex is important and take the necessary steps. Remember that you have to actively engage in keeping sex alive, it will not keep up by itself. For couples who are emotionally intimate and are willing to put in the work, there is a good chance at getting back that satisfying sex life.

Sometimes couples wait a long time before seeking help. Rest assured, there is still hope even if it has been going on for years, however the longer you wait the more challenging it can be. If you recognize yourself in parts of this blog, one of our clinicians would be pleased to assist you in resuming a healthy sexual relationship. Call us at 514 223 5327 to schedule an appointment.

Written by: Dr. Andrea Guschlbauer, Ph.D., OPQ., Psychologist.

Make it a Play Day!

I greeted an acquaintance on the elevator the other day and they sheepishly told me about the fun she had on her recent day off. This encounter sparked reflection on how play is unfortunately relegated to the confines of a guilty pleasure. Outside of organized sports we all too commonly refer to play time as a luxury we do not afford ourselves.

Considering the research on the health benefits of play this attitude really does not serve us well. We have known for some time how well play enhances learning and memory. Researchers have also found that play increases BDNF (brain derived neurotrophic factor) in the brain which is like fertilizer for neurons. It turns out that play promotes neuroplasticity.

Many people think that the opposite of play is work, but actually it is depression. We know from several research studies that reduced play cause an increase in agitation, irritability and lethargy. Some of these studies needed to be interrupted upon realizing that the participants were becoming depressed.

One of the ways you can increase play in your life is to think back to when you were a child and identify some of the ways you enjoyed yourself. What kinds of activities gave you joy? For example, did you like to build things? Crafts? Games? See if you can identify aspects of those experiences and incorporate them into your adult life.

Another way to invite the benefits of play is to imagine it. Simply take a few moments and think back to a time when you were playing or having fun. Remember when you discovered the miracle of blowing bubbles for the first time or enjoyed pretending to be a ninja as I did. Simply replay this image in your mind and notice how you feel afterward. If you have any photos of these fond memories consider putting them up in places that will act as a reminder to cultivate play in your daily life.

We hope these ideas about play help you to reduce irritability and increase your zest for life. If implementing these strategies feels insufficient, we are here to help. Give us a call at 514 223 5327.

Written by Shawna Atkins, Ph.D., OPQ, Psychologist

A Wandering Mind is an Unhappy Mind

This was the title of Dan Gilbert and Mathew Killingsworth seminal paper on mindfulness ten years ago. They developed an app called Track Your Happiness that you can still find at trackyourhappiness.org. Thousands of people participated in this study in which they would receive an alert to respond to the following two questions: 1) Are you paying attention to what you intend to be paying attention to right now; and 2) How are you feeling right now?

They found that our minds are wandering on average 47% of the time. They also found that not paying attention was correlated with unhappiness.

We are not present for almost half of our life and this trend is making us unhappy.

This was a big motivator for me when I began to practice mindfulness but it also woke me up to the need to practice presence throughout the day. I hope it does for you too. Whether you ever develop a sitting practice, see if you can invite more presence with whatever you are doing on an ongoing basis. You might find it helpful to set and repeat this intention for yourself. A mantra may help you such as: “Be here now”, or “Just this”. Paying attention to where the mind is and noticing that it has wandered off can be a cue to bring it back gently – gently being the operative word here.

When we practice and repeat things over time, these behaviors start to become automatic. This is the cornerstone of neuroplasticity. The repetition and practice of bringing your attention back and of being gentle with your self will eventually get easier for you to do.

Imagine… What would your life be like if you were more present?
What would your life be like if you were more gentle with yourself?

We hope these strategies can help you to build more life satisfaction. If you need assistance to implement these ideas or if your unhappiness needs more help you can reach us at 514-223-5327.

Written by Shawna Atkins, Ph.D., Psychologist

Sex after childbirth: The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Newsflash for all new or expecting mothers worrying about sex after childbirth: You are not alone! We often think of having a baby as a wonderful time; for many people it is a long-awaited blessing. There is no denying that this life-changing event can bring immeasurable joy, however a less talked about reality is that giving birth can greatly impact sex and sexuality. Soon-to-be parents often feel intensely close during pregnancy, preparing for the new addition and planning for their new life as a family. However, once the baby arrives, partners can be suddenly launched into opposing directions with the little one resting in between.

Many women have conflicting feelings about their bodies after childbirth. Let’s face it; giving birth changes a woman’s body. Picture a bulging belly, swollen feet, sagging breasts, hair loss, skin changes, vaginal discharge, swollen legs and varicose veins and increased sweating. One can imagine that women may feel self-conscious about some of these bodily changes. They might not want to be touched shortly after childbirth. On top of dealing with body image issues, women may simply need space from touch after having an infant clinging to them day and night. Breasts can be especially prone to this issue of touch; breasts and nipples can become sore, bleed and chaffed from breast-feeding.

Related to concerns about their bodies, many women have conflicting feelings about sex after childbirth. Giving birth is a trauma to the vagina and women often feel anxious about their vaginas and penetration. Any kind of vaginal penetration can become uncomfortable or even painful because of muscles and nerves being affected by pregnancy and labor. Natural lubrication can also be an issue as women might experience excessive dryness after birth, especially if they are breastfeeding. What’s more, breasts can become so strongly linked to the mother-child bond that women can stop seeing them as part of their sexuality. Having breasts touched during sexual play can serve as a distraction rather than an erotic experience.
Women can experience urinary incontinence and flatulence after childbirth, which can be embarrassing and make women more likely to avoid sex.

Not only can women have fears about resuming sex after giving birth, they might lose interest altogether. Libido often takes a hit after having a child. Hormonal changes can contribute to decreased libido. Furthermore, women might find themselves sleep-deprived and exhausted and might have a new or increased self-consciousness about their bodies. What’s more, sex tends to be the last thing on a new mom’s mind given that she is likely to be exhausted, sore and preoccupied. A new mom might associate sex with conception and immediately after childbirth the last thing she wants is another pregnancy. Fatigue is another contributor to decreased libido; not only in the obvious way (too tired to have sex) but also by contributing to marital conflict through increased arguing. If the bulk of your interactions with your partner consist of arguing, you might both be less interested in having sex.

When resuming sexual activity, women can expect some degree of tightness after childbirth. They can also expect a certain degree of pain with the goal being to decrease it as much as possible. When engaging in penetrative sex remember that different positions will affect the perineum (which may have torn during childbirth) differently. The importance of communication about sex after childbirth cannot be stressed enough. Your partner may not know what you are going through or how to best help you ease back into a fulfilling and pleasurable sex life. Your sexual repertoire may have changed and your partner needs to partake in creating the new menu.

A sudden change in sexual intimacy can be devastating, painful and cause extreme tension. One of the best things you can do if you are struggling in the areas of sex and sexuality after childbirth is to talk to your partner. Remember that you can be intimate without having sex or at least penetrative sex. Kiss, hug, cuddle, fondle and use your hands and mouth. Couples may benefit from changing their sexual expectations. It is so important to maintain overall (not just sexual!) intimacy and to communicate, communicate, communicate!

Bringing a child into the world can be wonderful but the often-overlooked issue of sexual problems can leave women feeling embarrassed and alone. Know that you are not alone if you are struggling with changes in sex and sexuality after childbirth. We want to help you receive the support you need to adjust and get back to the intimate and sexually fulfilling relationship you had before giving birth. Call us at 514-223-5327 to schedule with one of our clinicians.

Written by: Dr. Andrea Guschlbauer, Ph.D., OPQ., Psychologist.

Vaginismus

Vaginismus is a condition wherein a woman’s vaginal muscles contract involuntarily when something is inserted (e.g., a penis, finger, tampon, dildo). As the vaginal muscles squeeze and spasm, the vaginal opening narrows. Penetration becomes painful; some women describe it as a searing tearing sensation. In some cases, the vaginal muscles are so contracted that penetration is impossible. One can imagine that women who have vaginismus might develop negative attitudes toward sexuality and sex and that sex becomes an unpleasant experience for all involved.

There is a great range of experiences of vaginismus; some women only experience it with certain partners, some experience it with penile penetration but not tampon insertion or gynecological exams, and still others have vaginismus in all scenarios. It’s not clear exactly why vaginismus happens, but it’s most often linked to anxiety. However, it can be difficult to determine what came first, the anxiety or vaginismus.

Anxiety is the killer of good sex. Physically, anxiety creates tension in the body. When feeling anxious, we tend to tense up in all different areas of our body (neck, stomach, shoulders, hands, etc.). Women who have vaginismus experience tension in the pubococcygeus (PC) muscle during sex. To locate this muscle, try starting and stopping urine flow next time you pee; that’s it. A clenched PC muscle makes penetration painful or impossible. In addition to affecting our bodies, anxiety impacts our thoughts. Anxious negative thoughts are not conducive to good sex. Women who experience Vaginismus might have thoughts such as “Sex is scary”; “My partner is going to be mad if I clench up”; “I’m bad at sex”; “My partner isn’t going to be understanding”. These kinds of thoughts distract from being in a relaxed yet aroused state. A woman might begin to avoid all forms of sexual and non-sexual contact to prevent the negative outcomes she’s expecting.

Women experiencing vaginismus are encouraged to focus on four main areas to address the issue of painful sexual intercourse.

1. Anxiety: Women are advised to learn strategies to decrease anxiety. These can include Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) techniques like challenging negative thoughts/assumptions as well as relaxation training and stress management. A mind at ease is well suited for positive sexual experiences. Being able to call on such a state helps women to engage in intimate interactions with a sense of calm that opens the door for arousal and pleasure.

2. Relaxing the vaginal muscles: Women might begin with a breathing or visualization exercise to instill a sense of calm, then practice squeezing and releasing their PC muscle. Doing so enables them to gain awareness of the automatic tension that’s developed and allows them to experience sensation in the PC muscle with a relaxed state of mind.

3. Use of dilators: Women can learn to override the involuntary muscle contraction and desensitize vaginal muscles (and the mind!) to having something inserted into the vagina. By practicing this and becoming desensitized, a woman is preparing herself for “the real thing” and decreases the likelihood of tension and pain during sex.

4. Address relationship problems: Vaginismus is not just about the pain, it’s also about the way the pain impacts women and their partner(s). You might notice increased frustration and irritation in your couple resulting form the stress caused by the problem of vaginismus. Partners can benefit from learning to support each other and work as a team in addressing the problem. You might work on improving communication and increasing a sense of connection. In doing so, a couple may experience a shift in the negative cycle of avoidance of intimacy and rediscover pleasure.

Vaginismus is associated with not only sexual pain, but emotional pain as well. It impacts not only the women who has the condition, but her intimate partner(s). The good news is that vagnismus is a highly treatable condition; women and their partners can rediscover pleasure, excitement, arousal, and satisfaction in the bedroom.

If you or someone you know could benefit from talking to one of our clinicians about overcoming pain during sex and reviving sexual pleasure, we are here to help. Call us at 514-223-5327 to set up an appointment.

Written by: Dr. Andrea Guschlbauer, Ph.D., OPQ., Psychologist.

How to tell if you are in an abusive relationship

The Montreal Gazette recently published an article about the Canadian Orthopedic Association’s efforts to train their clinicians to better detect intimate partner violence as the source of the fractures they treat. In it, they cited Statistics Canada reporting one quarter of all violent crimes in Canada being due to domestic violence and that 80% of these victims are women. Stats Can also found that conjugal violence costs the federal government about $7.4 billion per year in health-care and law-enforcement costs.

¼ of all violent crimes. 7.4 billion dollars. 80% are women.

These numbers compel us all to become aware of the signs of conjugal violence. They say that it takes an average of five to seven acts of violence before a woman begins to think about leaving her abusive partner. And we know that a woman’s risk of serious or fatal injury increases the further into the relationship she proceeds before trying to leave.

Abuse can be hard to detect because it doesn’t start out that way. Abusers are often charming, attentive, and sweet in the beginning of a relationship. An abuser will work to make you feel so appreciated and loved, you won’t even notice they are controlling you. There are warning signs we can look out for, to help us spot an abusive relationship, before it goes too far. These signs pertain to all intimate partner violence, no matter your gender or orientation.

1. Your significant other is loving you one minute and punishing you the next such that you feel like you are on an intense emotional roller coaster.
2. Arguments tend to escalate quickly and rarely resolve.
3. Your partner is jealous of your time with others and increasingly isolates you from friends and family.
4. Your partner pushes for commitment early.
5. They may use concern for your wellbeing as a mask for control.
6. You find yourself asking for their approval.
7. The words they use make you feel small.
8. You start to believe that you are worthless.
9. You work hard to please them and it never seems enough.
10. You find yourself staying silent just to keep the peace.
11. Your partner blames others for their mistakes: “I wouldn’t get so angry if you didn’t…”
12. Your partner uses “playful” force during sex that is not consensual by you.
13. Your partner makes threats of violence.

If you have been a victim of intimate partner violence, or know someone who has, a helpful hotline number to have on hand is 1-800-363-9010. If you or someone you know need help to recover from an abusive relationship and prevent re-experiencing one, our therapists can help. You can reach us at 514 223 5327.

Written by: Dr. Shawna Atkins, Ph.D., OPQ, Psychologist

The Hazards of Social Media

Social media is still in its infancy and we still have much to learn about the effects on users. There is a growing body of research addressing this issue and many studies thus far point to a concerning link between social media use and depression. In our practice, we have noticed our client’s use of social media being related to the following:

• An increase in time spent using social media or thinking about using (should I post this or how should I phrase this?)
• An increase in worrying and anxiety during and following social media use
• A decrease in motivation and subsequently an increase in procrastination (usually via more social media)
• A decrease in self-esteem and a sense of inadequacy
• An increase in unhealthy comparisons with others (resentment/envy, overgeneralization, development of anger or hatred) leading to a decrease in life/self-satisfaction
• A loss of sense of reality with life’s moments being handpicked, a focus on the perfect image which sets unhealthy expectations, and an incorrect view of others (only seeing these manufactured snapshots)
• Concern about taking healthy actions (blocking, deleting, decreasing use) based off of how it will be viewed by a certain community/person
• Decrease in actual social connections or a misconception of social connections
• Increase in egocentrism from implied popularity contest (number of likes, followers, etc.)
• Physical problems (back/muscle/joint pain, malnutrition from skipping meals, headaches, eye problems)
• A potentially unhealthy analysis of relationships including interpretations of every minute action (or lack thereof)

What can be done? In general, making efforts to decrease usage is a good place to begin. This can be done by implementing a few different practices such as setting up no social media zones such as the dinner table, when with friends, or while at work/school. Another helpful tip is to work towards breaking habits that reinforce usage such as taking out your phone whenever you’re alone (sometimes we can find ourselves trying to avoid isolation or even being perceived as being alone), while walking, or when going to the washroom.

On the other side of the coin, you may want to set aside specific times to focus on using social media, thereby reducing using it for procrastination or distraction. Consider removing access to certain social networks – is it necessary to have 15 different sites? Also, actively managing the content you see. Many individuals report changes in mood due to seeing content from specific people. If this is the case, why have their posts visible? Why follow them? Finally, rather than engaging in social media use, intentionally increase socializing in person…without your phones.

It is not realistic to eliminate social media use, however reducing and limiting usage can help you to decrease the problems listed above. If you or someone you care about it is struggling with social media use, one of our professionals will be happy to help. Give us a call at (514) 223 5327.

Written by Robin Jolivet, M.A., Psychotherapist

Helping Someone Who is Grieving

Losing someone can be a destabilizing and overwhelming experience. Every aspect of our lives can be impacted by the loss. It is so difficult to adjust to the new routines in our lives following the death of a loved ones. Learning to set the dinner table for one less person or making coffee for one instead of the usual two for yourself and your partner every morning – loss manifests itself in the details of our day to day. Grief does not end after a person’s funeral or memorial service. It is a lived experience that will take time to work through. Each person will experience their grieving in a unique way as they slowly and patiently process their emotions when they surface one day at a time. Here are five tips for how to help someone you care about cope with their grief:

1- Listen: It might sound simplistic but one of the most healing experiences for coping with the pain of losing someone is to be heard. Having the supportive space to talk about whatever it is that they might be thinking and feeling can be the most helpful thing for that person. This may even be to talk about anything but the loss itself. It is important to be respectful of where the person is in their own journey rather than to force someone to confront emotions they may not be ready to explore.

2- Avoid Platitudes: Making statements like “time heals all wounds” or “they’re in a better place” may seem kind or helpful but in fact often trigger frustration for the person who is grieving. Though we might believe those adages, in the midst of the heartbreak, a person may not be in the mental state to accept truths that may not resonate for them. It is best to avoid them.

3- Don’t Assume: Relationships are complex. We never fully know a person’s relationship to the person who has died. Therefore, it is important to respect the person’s process of grieving without assuming that they are feeling certain emotions regarding the loss. For example, the individual may have had a conflictual relationship with a parent or a partner and is working through a myriad of feelings such as anger towards past wrong doings, relief at the relationship tensions ending, or even guilt for experiencing those emotions.

4- Be present: In moments where one’s world is crumbling and a person is left to pick up the pieces of their lives following a death, simply being present can be the most healing support. There will never be perfect words to offer or magic solutions for someone who is grieving, but being there even in silence can allow the other person to feel seen in the midst of their suffering. Simply saying that you are here for them and that you are around for whatever they might need is often incredibly grounding when the world feels chaotic.

5- Be patient: Reading about grief might help you better understand the need for patience. Each person’s grief takes on its own journey and may differ in timeline. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and it can often feel for many people like there is a need to rush back to being “okay” sooner than they might feel ready to do so. Therefore, an important piece keep in mind is that grieving may take longer than imagined and the emotions that a person experiences may resurface at varying times of their life following the death of their loved one. This is especially true of anniversary dates, holidays, and other milestones which people value (ex: graduations, birth of a child, weddings, and travels people may have planned to do…). Respectful patience with those who you know are grieving is often appreciated from the bereaved.

For additional support for yourself or someone you know who might be grieving, please call us at 514 223 5327 to schedule an appointment with one of our clinicians.

Written by Marianne Chivi, M.A., C.O.

Understanding Grief

None of us are exempt from death and loss as it is a universal experience that touches every living thing. The experience of losing a loved one can feel devastating. Though there are some similar reactions to grief, each of us will experience our loss uniquely. One factor that impacts how we might experience a loss will be the nature of our relationship to the person who has died.

The grieving experience may fluctuate in intensity and frequency, very similar to the waves in the ocean. There might be moments when the wave of pain hits suddenly, fiercely, and can knock you off your feet for hours or days; then there might be times when the wave is gentle and lulls you into a subtle sadness that lingers underneath the surface momentarily as you might have a passing thought or memory of the person. You might experience a spectrum of emotions that include sadness, anger, confusion, overwhelm, anxiety, fear, and perhaps even relief. There are no right or wrong feelings to have when you lose someone as it is a personal experience for each individual. When we think of death, we often think of sadness, tears, and darkness. However, it is not the only way to grieve a loss. Many people find themselves wanting to celebrate the life of the person who has died rather than to focus on the absence of that person in their life.

In my experience working with clients who are bereaved, it is common to shift through various emotional states when working through the loss. One popular theory on the “stages of grief” is based on the work of Elizabeth Kubler Ross who outlines five stages that people commonly experience when dealing with the death of a loved one. You might move through the stages in varying sequences and at times revisit a stage depending on where you are in your own grieving process. Keep in mind that not everyone “has to” go through the stages and there is no right way or right amount of time to feel your grief. Grief is anything but linear.

1- Denial: The first reaction many people describe having is “this isn’t happening”. Even if we were aware that a person’s health is deteriorating and they will die, sometimes it is difficult for our mind to grasp the new reality of life without the person in it.

2- Anger: In this stage, thoughts such as “how could they leave me?”, “I can’t believe this is happening!”, and “Why?!” are typical. Feelings of anger and rage may surface when we realize that the person has died.

3- Bargaining: Attempts at pleading, hoping, praying, and wishing that the person has not died tend to occur in the bargaining stage. Thoughts like “if they can only live then I will never…” are typical in this stage.

4- Depression: Feelings of sadness and hopelessness arise in this stage as the reality of the loss begins to sink in deeper. It is common for people to have thoughts about suicide and their own death during this phase of grieving. It is very important to seek support if this occurs.

5- Acceptance: At the acceptance stage, the person begins to imagine their life and future without their loved one in it. There is a sense of hope that they can move forward while still carrying the memories of their relationship with the deceased in their minds. It is not about being happy or resigned about the death; it is an acceptance that they can’t change that the person is gone but they can still live their life with the loss that they have experienced.

We never “get over” the death of someone we love. Understanding grief is to understand that all we can do is to work through the pain when it resurfaces like the waves of the ocean come and go, reminding us that it is still there.

If you or someone you know are dealing with grief, feel free to call us to get support at 514 223 5327.

Written by Marianne Chivi, M.A., C.O.